So there was a touch of drama with my CK and it passed quickly but I haven't written anything, anywhere about it and suddenly feel the urge. It started off more or less innocently. We've done the "how many people have you had sex with" conversation quite a while ago, but somehow we got to talking about oral sex and whether or not that counts and whether or not fingering counts, so we updated our lists with the assumption it does. He's been with half the number of people I have (not that my number is super high or anything) and he made some comment about how he wishes his number was higher. Offhand I mostly jokingly said that if he wanted to break up for a while and bang some bitches, I'd give him a week.
Well, this spiraled out of control. Apparently he feels like he hasn't gotten much chance in life to just date. Seems like he's never gone on a date that he and the girl didn't hit it off and end up in a long-term, serious relationship, and all of those girls seem to fall into the same general category-- in his words "intelligent, fun, somewhat iconoclastic" so he's never dated different types. Now me, I've dated those different types, and they don't work for me. Not saying they wouldn't for him, but I think he's like me--it's all or nothing in terms of our affection, and if you don't snag our attention/affection immediately, there's not a whole lot that can be done.
So anyway, after offering to give him some time, I felt I was obligated to stick to it, even though it felt like I'd swallowed a dozen tapeworms that were doing the macarena in my stomach (and yes, I told him that, I liked the image). I even upped it to a month.
He asked for a night to think about it.
It was a horrible night, even though I knew that he knew he'd be a fool to go for it, even though deep down I really knew that he would stick with me.
The next day, he told me the thought made him crazy, that yeah, he'd like to experience other types, but he'd rather keep me. It was about then that I figured out what it was that was spurring him to be freaking me out.
Cold feet. Not quite the "about to commit to a marriage" kind of cold feet, but the kind that come when you're in a relationship and you realize you might not be dating someone else for a very long time, if ever. He's been hurt before, hurt a lot, and bad, and regardless of how much baggage he tried to check at the gate, there's going to be some coming along for the ride.
He said something about being afraid to make the same mistakes he did with his most recent ex (who screwed with his head so bad he didn't date for like 3 years). When I asked what mistakes, he said getting too serious too soon and proposing too early.
To which I flat out said that I don't intend to get married for at least two years. Furthermore, if he asked me before I was ready or before I thought our relationship was ready, I would say no.
I think this has put his demons to rest, at least for now, but he even warned me that it was likely to come up again. Now, I don't have a problem with that, as long as we're blunt about it to each other, but how should I really deal with this? I'm not the clingy type, we live an hour apart and see each other only when our schedules permit which so far has wound up being like once a month, and I have no problem with giving him plenty of space, since I need plenty of it myself. I love him, he loves me, I could actually see a future for us... so I just listen. What else can I do?
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